Rollercoaster

I feel like I'm been on an emotional roller coaster lately. I have been on such a high the past 3 days or so, always in such a good mood and feeling like I'm "in the zone" for weight loss, even going under my points on a couple days (which I try not to do normally). Then yesterday was our anniversary. I told myself I could use all 35 flex points and not feel bad. But then before our dinner I realized it was going to be really hard to calculate the points. We were going to Texas Roadhouse and they don't have any nutritional information online, nor could I find it anywhere else. So then I told myself I could get any meal and not try to calculate the points but then just not use any flex points the rest of the week. I had only eaten 9 points before dinner so I had 21 daily points left plus 35, I figured I should be fine. All along I was planning on eating chicken fingers, that's what I've been wanting. But then I got there and I just couldn't do it. And that is so not like me! Especially if I have the points to use. I just felt like I've already come pretty far and I didn't want to delay my progress. So I ended up ordering a meal that was just a marinated grilled chicken breast. But I did have plenty of indulgences... a Caesar salad and fries with ranch. I estimated my total meal to be 23 points (mainly because of all that salad dressing I had! aaagh!) and then we had ice cream after dinner which I estimated at 10 points. So I only ended up using 13 of my flex points! I was so incredibly proud of myself. It's because of things like these that I know I really am changing.

But then today came. I was still feeling awesome this morning. Last night we went shopping and I had bought 2 new shirts. I was surprised how small I looked in the mirror in them but then I remembered that my bathroom mirror makes you look smaller then you really are... I HATE that!!! So just now I took some full body pictures of myself in the shirts. BIG MISTAKE. I want to cry right now. I am still sooooo fat. Of course I am. I've only lost 11 pounds and I still weigh 225 pounds! I am just so short and squatty. It's so depressing. I know mentally I should know that 11 pounds is barely going to make a difference, obviously, but I just feel so much better that I feel like it's so much more.

This always happens to me when I lose weight. I keep constantly thinking I'm smaller than I am, then I am shocked when I take a picture of myself. It's kind of rough. I know one day I'll be surprised at how small I actually am, but that won't happen for a long time.

Another weird thing happened this morning. I got this weird feeling like I guess I felt like my success was scaring me. Like, what will happen if I actually get skinny? Do I really want that? I can't really even describe it. In a teeny tiny way it almost made me want to sabotage myself. Now don't worry, I'm DEFINITELY not going off the plan, and I don't feel like going off the plan at all. I actually still feel like I'm in the weight loss zone, I'm just not at the emotional high I was. It probably doesn't help that I'm on my uhh.. time of month.

I know I will have ups and downs and that's to be expected. I just don't want to be fat anymore, and I want it so bad. I just can't wait till it actually happens.