Odds and Ends

I'm still here! I just haven't had too much to blog about. I'm still staying on track, every thing's going fine, and mentally I'm doing fine. I start school this Tuesday, and I'm going to be super busy. I'm taking 15 credit hours, and I'm also exchanging babysitting with a couple friends. Which basically means Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I'll be gone from 8 in the morning until 4:30 or 5, and then I'll still have dinner to make, homework to do, and of course spending time with my family. I'll have my daughter with me while I'm babysitting so the only time I won't be with her is while I'm in class. I also have class Tuesday and Thursday mornings but I can come home after that. I'm thinking since Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays I'll have more time, I'll purposely make big meals those days so we can have leftovers on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. And there's always crock pot meals which I love, especially soups. So needless to say, I'll be eating away from home 3 days a week. I will eat breakfast at home then just bring plenty of snacks (usually string cheese and fruit) and also pack a lunch (frozen meals, soup, leftovers). I'm definitely a snack girl, I usually have at least 3-4 snacks a day.

Can I just say I love Lean Cuisine's santa fe style rice and beans meal? It has no preservatives! Actually I think most of their meals don't now, which is such a huge plus for me. I always feel so guilty eating frozen meals but I love the variety you can have + no preparation.

The other thing I'm worried about this semester is finding time to exercise. I can always go for walks with my daughter, which will probably be what I do 50% of the time. I think my mom is going to watch her extra time one day a week so I can go to the gym. Then there's Saturdays and Sundays where I can go to the gym or do my workout video (The Biggest Loser one... I love it!) I haven't really exercised very much since I started ww, but I have definitely been more active. I've been going on walks with my friend and I think we've been doing about a mile and a half or two miles, I'm not sure. Last fall we would walk 3 miles and I really want to get back to that point.

On the weight loss front, I really have no clue how much (if any) I'll lose this week. I definitely feel like I'm getting smaller and my pants are getting a lot bigger on me. The other day I came in the house, and I walked across the room without pulling them up just to see what would happen and they fell all the way down to my ankles. Lol! Think I need to switch sizes? The thing is, I have a pair that is the next size down, but they are still a little too tight! I think I just need to wash the pair I wear now so they will shrink. The reason I don't know if the scale will show a loss is because I lost 11 pounds in the first two weeks and I think it would be almost unheard of to lose any more the third week. I keep trying to prepare myself for it... somehow I haven't weighed myself at all since my last weigh in. I am so proud of myself! I didn't do it last week either. I keep thinking it's like a good luck thing, if I don't weigh myself then maybe I'll lose weight. And I realize that makes no sense at all.

Oh and I know I said I was going to post my food journal daily but I just haven't gotten around to it. I still keep a food journal every day, I have them all since I've started ww. I like to look back on them for food ideas. I still have mine from January when I was on ww then too!

For some reason I can't wait for my mom to notice I've lost weight. I don't know why... it's just my next "goal" I guess. My 10% goal is 211 pounds, so that's my next weight loss goal. It's funny because when I did ww in January I started out at 211 lbs. I always think it's cool when you lose weight that you can "go back" in time and think, now I weigh what I weighed in November, now I weigh what I weighed in July, etc.

Well my daugher is napping and I need to clean! That burns calories right? ;)

Rollercoaster

I feel like I'm been on an emotional roller coaster lately. I have been on such a high the past 3 days or so, always in such a good mood and feeling like I'm "in the zone" for weight loss, even going under my points on a couple days (which I try not to do normally). Then yesterday was our anniversary. I told myself I could use all 35 flex points and not feel bad. But then before our dinner I realized it was going to be really hard to calculate the points. We were going to Texas Roadhouse and they don't have any nutritional information online, nor could I find it anywhere else. So then I told myself I could get any meal and not try to calculate the points but then just not use any flex points the rest of the week. I had only eaten 9 points before dinner so I had 21 daily points left plus 35, I figured I should be fine. All along I was planning on eating chicken fingers, that's what I've been wanting. But then I got there and I just couldn't do it. And that is so not like me! Especially if I have the points to use. I just felt like I've already come pretty far and I didn't want to delay my progress. So I ended up ordering a meal that was just a marinated grilled chicken breast. But I did have plenty of indulgences... a Caesar salad and fries with ranch. I estimated my total meal to be 23 points (mainly because of all that salad dressing I had! aaagh!) and then we had ice cream after dinner which I estimated at 10 points. So I only ended up using 13 of my flex points! I was so incredibly proud of myself. It's because of things like these that I know I really am changing.

But then today came. I was still feeling awesome this morning. Last night we went shopping and I had bought 2 new shirts. I was surprised how small I looked in the mirror in them but then I remembered that my bathroom mirror makes you look smaller then you really are... I HATE that!!! So just now I took some full body pictures of myself in the shirts. BIG MISTAKE. I want to cry right now. I am still sooooo fat. Of course I am. I've only lost 11 pounds and I still weigh 225 pounds! I am just so short and squatty. It's so depressing. I know mentally I should know that 11 pounds is barely going to make a difference, obviously, but I just feel so much better that I feel like it's so much more.

This always happens to me when I lose weight. I keep constantly thinking I'm smaller than I am, then I am shocked when I take a picture of myself. It's kind of rough. I know one day I'll be surprised at how small I actually am, but that won't happen for a long time.

Another weird thing happened this morning. I got this weird feeling like I guess I felt like my success was scaring me. Like, what will happen if I actually get skinny? Do I really want that? I can't really even describe it. In a teeny tiny way it almost made me want to sabotage myself. Now don't worry, I'm DEFINITELY not going off the plan, and I don't feel like going off the plan at all. I actually still feel like I'm in the weight loss zone, I'm just not at the emotional high I was. It probably doesn't help that I'm on my uhh.. time of month.

I know I will have ups and downs and that's to be expected. I just don't want to be fat anymore, and I want it so bad. I just can't wait till it actually happens.

Holy Crap

This is unbelievable. This morning I weighed in at... 225 pounds... which means I lost 5 pounds! After losing 6 last week! This NEVER happens to me on ww, I usually have a smaller loss the 2nd week. I was in shock this morning. Especially because I wasn't hungry most of all last week and didn't make the best choices. Maybe I should make bad choices more often ;) Aaaaah I'm so excited and more motivated then ever! Victories will do that to you I guess.

Our anniversary is tomorrow (2 years) so I'm looking forward to a yummy guilt-free meal out using my flex points. Even if I literally lose 0 pounds this week, I almost won't care because I already lost 11 pounds the first 2 weeks! My last time on ww in January it took me a month and 4 days to lose 12!

I decided I'm not going to tell my mom that I've lost any weight. I think I mentioned I was doing ww again but I haven't said anything about it since then. It's a little game I'm playing to see how long it takes her to notice I've lost weight. I'm sure it will be at least 20 pounds, if not more, because I'm starting out so big.

It's so strange how much my confidence has gone up, even after only losing the initial 6 pounds. I kept expecting to see a thin person in the mirror, because I just felt so confident and happy, but then I'd realize I'm still fat. That's okay though, because I'm on my weigh down. Exactly 100 more pounds until my "goal" of 125. But I don't necessarily expect to get there. I'm just going to go where ww (and my body) takes me. If I get down to 140 and stop losing, I'll probably be okay with that. We'll see though, I really want the 130's! And I'm pretty short (5'4 or so) and I'm very small-boned so that's realistic I think.

This morning I made the best breakfast! Yet another idea from Roni- I made a packet of regular oatmeal, added 1/2 a cup of unsweetened applesauce, and 2 teaspoons of brown sugar. Yummm! It tasted like apple pie. And was perfect because I ate half and my 19 month old daughter ate the other half. I felt like it was super healthy. For some reason when I eat a whole packet of oatmeal I always feel extremely nauseous. I just feel like I'm so full I'm going to throw up, and I don't know why because it only has 100 calories. Weird I know. But half a packet seems to be perfect for both of us.

I'm going to try to go walking with my friend today, and if it doesn't work out I'm really going to try and go on my own. It's hard for me but I know I need to do activity! That's the hardest part about this journey so far. That and quitting Diet Coke! ;)

Well here is the FJ for today:

Yogurt 3 pts
Cantaloupe 1 pt
Whopper jr. 9 pts
Spicy chicken no mayo 7 pts
fajitas 6 pts
cantaloupe 1 pt
popcorn 2 pts

29 pts total

As you can see I still haven't been making good choices. I really need to work on that, especially since it's week 2 and my loss probably isn't going to be very big since it was so big last week. Another thing I'm working on is quitting Diet Coke. That is my number one and only addiction in life, besides chapstick.

Oh, and the fajitas I had tonight? I can't even tell you how good they are. They are one of our staple meals and the flavor is incredible. Tonight I ate them without the tortillas to cut points and it was still amazing!

I'm really trying hard not to weigh myself till Monday. I don't want to be disappointed if I weigh in early. Let's hope I make it!

Chugging Along

A funny thing has happened this week. I think it started on Monday; my appetite has gone WAY DOWN. My first week on ww I was famished every two hours or so, no matter what I had eaten. Suddenly I'm forcing myself to even eat! Okay, maybe that's a little bit of a stretch, but my hunger has been cut in half at least. Not that I'm complaining, but it's so strange! How could my body adjust so fast? And for some reason when I'm hungry all the time I at least feel like I'm losing weight. Since I haven't been hungry, I'm afraid I'm not losing. We'll find out next Monday, if I can wait that long.

I've been wanting to post my food journal daily, but the past 3 days or so every time I thought about it I realized I hadn't made the best of choices so I was too "embarresed" to put it on here... stupid I know. So I'm going to try to do it no matter what. Here's todays:

Cereal 2 pts
Milk 1 pt
Subway 15 pts
Apple 1 pt
Chili 6 pts
Grapes 1 pt
Blueberries 1 pt
Sherbert 2 pts

29 pts total

I see a lot of problems with today. First of all, I hardly had any veggies (only what was on my sub- the chili didn't really have any!) Second of all, I try to drink at least 1 cup of milk a day. I would love to have more, but I never want to sacrifice the points. And I definitely did not need a foot long at Subway. I ate half of it at lunch time and half of it 2-3 hours later. Notice the sherbert on there? It's a rediscovered treat from my childhood. I literally haven't had it since I was a kid and my husband was telling me how it's naturally low in fat and calories- and it sure is! A half of a cup is just 2 points. Awesome "food find" as Roni calls them. And if you don't know who Roni is? Go to her site! Now! She is an incredible inspiration. Another thing I discovered, also from Roni, is this sweet treat:



It is surprisingly so good! I also bought the butter kind but haven't tried it yet. This also weighs in at 2 points. YUM.

Lastly, I will leave you with a quote from Roni:

"The successful people are the ones who don't let those weeks or days domino into months and years"

(talking about when you have bad eating days) So true! It's definitely something I need to remind myself of all the time.

Victory is Mine

Well I did it! I weighed in at 230 this morning. So that's 6 pounds in a week! I really think I would have lost 7 if I hadn't messed up those couple times, but that's water under the bridge. I realized this morning that I should technically go down a point this week because I'll be in the 220's (hopefully) most of the week. So it's down to 29 points. But tonight at dinner I made such a good casserole and after my little serving I really really wanted more. So I decided I am going to use (some of) my flex points this week. I know it's probably not the best decision, and I hope I don't regret it, but I really don't want to get into the habit of "borrowing" next week's flex points. I feel kinda out of control right now but if I don't go over my flex points all week I'll be happy.

Weight Watchin'

So, I wrote that whole big long post then didn't even start on that Monday. I ended up starting last Monday and I decided to do Weight Watchers. I always find reasons not to do it but in the end I love the plan. My husband is doing it with me which is so awesome. It would just be so cool if we could both lose weight together. I'm not paying to go to meetings or anything, I'm just doing it at home. I had a couple slip ups last week (I think 2 days I had things that were above my daily points and I had already used my flex points) which I really try not to do but I've moved on. And I wasn't all or nothing about it... yay! They weren't major binges or anything. Well one was pretty bad, I had popcorn at the movies with butter all over it and I didn't really have points for it. And I had absolutely no idea how many points it is... I HATE that. That is one thing I get frustrated about about ww. But to make it up to myself I'm not using any of my flex points this week, just to be safe. It's gonna be hard for me because I LOVE my flex points. When I weighed myself Friday morning I had already lost 5 pounds and I wanted just to lose 6 the first week so I'm super excited. We'll find out tomorrow if I did it. My goal after that is to lose an average of 2 lbs. per week. I don't know if it's a "goal" as much as a hope. I know I'm probably going to need to work out to do that though. It's going to be hard because I'm taking 15 credit hours this fall and then I'll have my daughter the rest of the time- and I'll be babysitting 3 days a week too. *As a side note, I heard the best advice the other day. It was something Dr. Phil said I think, but he said you should make your goals things that you can control, not things you can't. For instance, instead of saying it's your goal to lose 2 pounds this week, you should make it your goal to stay on plan every day and work out 4 times. The 2 pounds may or may not happen, but it's out of your control. The other things you can control. So I try not to set weight loss goals in a specific time period (like 15 pounds in a month) even though it's tempting.

My weight on Monday, August 11th was 236 so we'll see what it is tomorrow!

My Story

Food has always been an issue for me, for literally as long as I can remember. When I can eat next, how much I will get to eat, and how good it will taste are the questions constantly on my mind. I'm ready to break free of this way of thinking. I'm ready to find the middle ground between all or nothing, because for me it has always been all or nothing. I'm always either gaining or losing weight. I'm either eating "perfect" or binging every day. And this is how I got here...

Growing up, I was always a little bit on the chubby side but not obese or anything. Right before my freshman year of high school I lost some weight and was what I think of as "thin" but I suppose it was an average weight. I don't really remember that much about my weight throughout the rest of high school but I know that senior year I gained about 20 pounds. I went from about 145 to 165. I am 5'3 and 3/4 and at 145 I looked pretty good. I didn't look so good at 165. My freshman year of college I got up to about 170 or 175. Then I started to lose weight in February or March that year ( 2004). I lost 30 pounds and everyone told me I looked great- and I did. Of course I didn't think so then. My self image has always been horrible and my confidence has always been low. It went up a little with losing the weight but I still thought I looked fat and needed to lose at least 20 pounds (putting myself at 125- my dream weight). I met the man who is now my husband in June of 2004, right after losing the weight. It was such a whirlwind romance and I wrote in my journal within 2 weeks of meeting him that I knew he was the man I was going to marry. I realize that's kind of a crazy thing to say but I just knew it deep in my heart- and turns out I was right. We got married on August 26, 2006.

Anyways, I'm getting off track. Basically, after we met we started going out to eat all. the. time. We would hit our favorite mexican place, Qdoba, almost every other day! My weight held pretty steady throughout the summer (miraculously) but when fall came I started gaining weight. I HATED how I looked, even after gaining just 10 pounds. But I could just never find it within myself to lose the weight. Eventually, by September the next year (2005) I had gotten up to 190. I told you I was all or nothing! I finally was determined to do it and I got down to 148.5 by April the next year. (I have my weight written down by the way, my memory isn't that amazing) But then something came along that made it impossible for me to lose any more weight; I got pregnant.

Boy, was I happy I had lost that weight before I got pregnant! I would have hated to start out a pregnancy at 190. I had my daughter on January 30th, 2007 and she is truly a miracle and a blessing from God. I can hardly even write about her without getting teary-eyed. Anyways, when I gave birth I was about 215 pounds (yeah I gained a lot). A couple days after returning home from a hospital I was 190 again. So I started my weight loss journey all over again. I don't know how but I was able to do it right away. I struggled with a balance between getting enough calories and not too many because I was breastfeeding. I was always paranoid that I wasn't eating enough and that my milk would dry up. I lost a steady 2 pounds a week (on average) until I was down to 163.5 in the middle pf May. (I was breastfeeding basically full time this whole time too) I really just tried to eat a lot of fruits and veggies, whole grains, lean meat, and low fat dairy. You know, just eating healthy. I tried to limit dessert to once a week or so and never really had junk food. We would go out to eat about once a week. I started counting calories in the beginning of May just to mix things up a little and I lost 10 pounds in those 2 weeks. I usually had about 1500-1600 calories a day and 30 grams of fat. Anyways, we moved in the middle of May and for some reason that really messed me up. I think I just got out of my routine, and we probably had to go out to eat more than normal during the couple days that we were moving and I have never recovered from that. Yes, it's been over a year and I've gained weight steadily ever since then. I told you I was all or nothing! I don't remember the specifics but I'm sure after I "messed up" when we moved I just said forget it for that week... and then that turned into another week, and another, and another. By October 1st of 2007 I was back up to good old 193. For some reason this is so embarrassing for me to write out. I think the worst part is that I lost almost all of my baby weight and then gained it ALL back, plus some. I just wonder why... why would I do this to myself? It's got to be so unhealthy to go up and down in weight so much. My body looks absolutely horrible because of it. And I've heard that each time you gain and lose weight your metabolism gets slower and slower (making it harder and harder to lose weight each time). I guess I'm just choosing not to believe that. If it's true it's true, but I won't know until I try.

Anyways, going back to my story, because it is about to get even worse. Finally, in October of last year I decided to try Weight Watchers. I didn't actually pay for it or go to the meetings, but I figured out how many points I needed and my mom had the books so I did it that way. I did it for 2 weeks and lost 7 pounds but I didn't stay on it. So my weight started to climb again. In January of this year, my mom told me she and my grandma would pitch in to pay for me to go to meetings and actually participate in the program. By this time I was at 211 pounds. So I did it and was successful for a while. I ended up losing 13 pounds by February but for some reason I just couldn't (wouldn't) do it anymore. Which leads me to now. I am at my all time highest weight ever, even higher than I was when I was 9 months pregnant. How horrible is that? I weigh 230 pounds- last time I checked, that is. I hate writing that, I hate saying that. It's so hard to even believe. How did I get here? Well, every day I would tell myself "I'll start tomorrow" so I would let myself eat anything I wanted that day. Wash, rinse, repeat. I never have given up, not even for one second, on losing weight. I'm one of those people that hates buying big girl clothes, i.e. clothes that fit me now. I lived last winter in sweatshirts. Now I'm living in my husbands t-shirts that make me look even fatter than I am. I want to be a good example for my daughter, and I hate that I'm not. I have to hide the food I'm eating from her because I don't want her to eat it. That's how bad it is. I feel so hypocritical because I always make her eat really healthy (I'm really lucky, she's 18 months and will eat almost anything) yet I eat absolutely terrible.

There's actually so many things I want to change about myself. I want to exercise more, I want to be less lazy, I want to play with and focus on my daughter a lot more, I want to clean more, I want to spend more time with God, I could go on and on. But it's funny how all or nothing I am, because on the days I'm doing "good" on eating, it seems like I get so much done and am so productive in other areas of my life. Then when I'm doing "bad" (which has been the last year of my life) I just give up on everything. I feel like I have to do everything perfect or not at all, and I hate that about myself. In the past I've found a way to use that for my advantage, because I can be really successful at losing weight, but I just wonder if I'll always be this way or if I can ever actually change my mindset. It's so ingrained in me to be see the world in black or white.

It feels strangely cleansing to write all of this out. I've never written my "story" out like this, and really why would I have ever had a reason to?

So what's my plan? Well, I'm planning on starting this Monday. I'll post my weight and measurements and hopefully a food journal every day. I think I'm going to roughly count my calories but I'm not going to be super strict about it like I was before (I measured every tiny thing). I just want to get an idea of how many calories I'm eating. But overall I like to just listen to my body. Eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm kinda full, and when I do eat, make it moderately healthy. And NO BINGING. If I could just do one thing right, I would pick that.

Well sorry this was very long and detailed, that's just how I am. And it is my blog, after all.